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I was at a Christmas get-together at my ex’s house a few years ago. Cousins, their kids, and brothers and sisters-in-law were present there. I was glad that I would be able to spend a good time with my son. There was alcohol being served as well. I don’t think the presence of alcohol and kids mixes well, but this was not my place to decide.
Everything was fun and merry until it was time to play bingo. I don’t like bingo, so I thought this would be a good opportunity for me to have some one-on-one time with my son. I suggested that we go down.
My son’s uncle was adamant that we play. He had alcohol running through his veins. Besides, things that you’re about to read are the result of gossiping. My in-laws don’t know how to put aside drama when kids are involved. They hold on to grudges and past hurts. Why? Probably because they thought they has invested in me and expected me to behave in a way that worked for them. In other words, they had expectations.
When I refused to play bingo, the uncle was enraged, “You have written a book on self-love. Why don’t you let go of your son and let him play if he wants to?” It was not his place to decide what I must or musn’t do with my son. It was between me and my son. This was not even under his roof to dictate matters on everyone present.
I said, “This is between me and my son.”
“Tell this bitch to get the fuck out of this house. Why is she here? Who the hell does she think she is?” His wife tried to stop him and pulled him into one of the bedrooms. He kept on screaming from behind the door.
Everyone present, including cousins and their kids were witness to this. Of all the people present there, it was my son who wanted this ill-behaved uncle to leave the house.
There has been no communication from that uncle or my in-laws side of the family about this incident. No apologies. No amends.
I was disturbed for weeks after that Christmas day celebration. I was hurting. I was expecting an apology, a change in behavior.
I asked myself why it was so hard for me to let go. There could be several aspects at play.
I excepted that the other person realizes his mistake.
I expected him to behave differently.
I was humiliated in front of the entire extended family of my ex, and that was hurtful.
I felt I was wronged.
I had no control over not having my son be exposed to him in the future.
I was attached to how I wanted a resolve for this wrong-doing.
I was angry that he faced no repercussions for his behavior.
I was expected to move on and give myself the apology I was never going to get.
But none of this helped me move on.
When someone apologizes to us, we also feel validated and justified for being upset. The apologizer is taking responsibility at some level for the result of their actions, intended or not. And when that happens, our insides relax; we don’t have to fight anymore to prove that our experience is valid, that we are entitled to our hurt, and that it matters.
There’s another thing. Prior to this Christmas drama, I was very kind to invite this uncle and his family over to my place for a Sunday lunch. My ex was also present. I assumed all was well between us. He brought over sangria and some munchies to my place. Our interaction was pleasant, meaningful, and respectful.
An insult was the last thing I expected in return for my graciousness toward him and his family. But I’ve had enough experiences to remind myself that people can only give what they have.
Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and hoping for the other person to die. What could I do to let go of the hurt I was caused?
I have worked on myself since that incidence and released the hurt from my system.
Narayan Shastra has a couple metaphors that might help you in case you find yourself in such situations.
How long would you hold on to a cup of water that is so hot that it’s getting uncomfortable to handle? How hard would you hold a broken shard of glass in the palm of your hands?
Doing these would hurt you, right? Is it possible for you to see that holding on to emotional hurt causes your internal organs a lot of damage? Would that help you to let go of hurt for your own peace?
Do you also realize that letting go is the only thing you can do, as that’s the only thing you have control over. You cannot change anyone. You cannot go back and change the past.
An ongoing practice of mindfulness helps us deal with emotions in a healthier way. You may check out the article below if the title resonates with you.
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About Me
I, Neha Sonney, am the author of Wired For Self-Love: 11 Strategies To Free Yourself From Your Past, Embrace Your True Identity & Develop Unshakeable Confidence. I help people be honest with themselves, expand their comfort zones, become the people who love themselves and know how to respect themselves. If you’re considering bringing a real, lasting change in your life, reach out to me at optimysticoachk@gmail.com. Book a consultation here.