Do You Find It Hard To Feel...?
As a woman healing from childhood trauma, I understand why.
The other day I came across a story online written by another woman who has gone through much trauma in her life. The last thing she wants to do was feel.
My heart aches for her. I feel her pain. Some pain from a past memory is too much to process. The mind uses all its might to protect us, because to the limbic brain, the past memory still poses threat in the present moment.
People who have had to negotiate who they were to cope with life know what it’s like to walk on eggshells around someone, day in day out. Their self has been repeatedly invalidated.
It’s a past behavior pattern deeply ingrained in the psyche. It keeps them stuck.
I, too, was stuck in that rut. Every time I tried to feel, all I felt was numbness. Because that was my normal. That was what I had to do as a child to navigate my unsafe world.
The problem starts there. But the training of over-reliance on the mind further perpetuates the problem. Behaviorally, this is what it looks like:
People think their way into feeling.
Sounds pretty twisted, doesn’t it? It is. They give the job of the body to the mind. Yes, the two are connected. But they have different functions.
It is not the job of the mind to feel. No one put their hands on their head and said, “OMG, I love you!”
It is not the job of the mind. The heart has a resonance much, much stronger than the mind. According to this research by the HeartMath Institute, an electromagnetic field produced through the heart that can be detected several feet from the individual.
Research in the new discipline of neurocardiology shows that the heart is a sensory organ and a sophisticated center for receiving and processing information. The nervous system within the heart (or "heart brain") enables it to learn, remember, and make functional decisions independent of the brain’s cerebral cortex.
The heart’s intelligence, I have found, is way more powerful. The heart and body have the intelligence and ability to feel. And if healing is what you need, then feeling is your way.
One of the most healing things you can do, at least as a woman, is to have a cry. A soft cry or a loud one. Let those salty tears out. Everything you’ve been through, just give yourself permission to express. And no, you’re not weak if you cry. Don’t judge yourself. Just be with yourself.
Use nature to help you feel. Go for a walk in the woods. Or feel the sand between your toes, or feel the cool ocean on your feet. Have a bath. Turn your face to the sun. Close your eyes and look at it through your closed eyelids. What colors do you see? Do the colors change?
Wear clothes from materials that feel good on your skin. Don’t wear clothes that are tight or feel restrictive. Go for long walks. Play with dogs and cats.
Hug someone you trust and feel safe around. All of these things have helped me come back into my body and connect with my heart. Stay away from cold people. Being in their presence is bad for mental health.
All of these things help you ground when your mind gets too busy. The most important thing is understanding the need to slow down - your breath, the pace of your walk, your life.
Slow down and be present. Talk to yourself lovingly. Tell yourself that all the fears in the mind had a part to play when you were younger. Know and trust that you will overcome your challenges with much love for yourself.
Self-love looks different for different people. You have to find time to figure out what works for your and what doesn’t. Cultivate self-compassion.
Remember, if you’ve experienced trauma in childhood, you didn’t know how to be compassionate. That child in you doesn’t simply go away. The thing is to teach and give your adult self what you didn’t learn or get as a child.
You would be rewiring yourself. Show yourself the patience you didn’t receive as a child. Make that an extra-large like a warm hand-knitted sweater on a cold winter day!
What have you tried to help you feel? Let me know in the comments. Maybe it will benefit someone.
Warmly,
Neha
I have been on this quest for understanding feelings myself lately and your words here sparked some thoughts.
What if the word feelings has had its definition hijacked and changed into sensations? If the mind makes feeling only about sensations then it becomes lustful and addicted to those sensations slowly depreciating our actual feeling of self worth over time. When we are born and have little awareness, the world begins to program our minds into thinking that sensations are feeling, but perhaps this is a great deception.
When we hear 'do what feels good', it seems to often be received as do what activates the senses not what makes you feel your self worth. Its like having sex and then having a feeling a worthlessness for doing so - two opposing things seem to be happening and this is enslaving to both mind and heart.
Perhaps, true feeling is our emotions which is the true power behind creation. While it seems the job of the body is to sense the world around and provide feedback in the passive, it also seems the job of the heart within the body to create actively through emotions that radiate from the heart center. The mind provides the intent which allows us to create at will rather than unconsciously and chaotically. If the mind or the emotions are hijacked then we are not creating under free will but under the will of another or of our own senses. Perhaps this is why both our minds and senses are under such constant deceptive attacks as losing awareness of either one results in giving away our self-worth, free will, and power to create to something outside of ourselves.
Just some thoughts :)
Thank You Neha!